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Main Currents of Xtian Theology

There are many mansions in the house of the Big Fella. After all with all that Sunday collection money he can afford the best contractors. As a handy guide for the otherwise perplexed here is a rundown of the principal tenets of the leading schools:

I. Popery. I don't know whether to praise the papists for having made a few small contibutions to logic or blame them for having hopelessly garbled Aristotle.

II. Mainstream Protestantism. Go out and make money. That won't change your predestined reservation among the elect or the damned, but being rich is a sure sign you're part of the elect. If you're a burger flipping schmuck it would pay to convert to popery. Your co-religionists will be just as poor as you are but it may be consoling to think that at least you speak English.

III. Baptist-ism. This is the most popular brand of Gooberism. Goober theology is actually quite nuanced. It falls into three major schools:

A. Moderate or Ecumenical Baptist Theology. Barefoot and pregnant.

B. Liberal or Northern Baptist Theology (whose members hold their annual convention in a mega-curch coat closet). Barefoot only if pregnant.

C. Southern Baptist Theology (College degrees lead to automatic excommunication unless you play football). Always barefoot, always pregnant.

I hope this this mini Michelin will help you decide who to give your money to.